Renegotiating Negative ADHD Self-Talk

Most people engage in negative self-talk related to disappointments, set-backs or frustrating situations, but for folks with ADHD, negative self-talk is often amplified (Mitchell et al., 2013). Kids with ADHD hear more “no’s” or “don’ts” than neurotypical kids, and as they grow into adults, those behavioural critiques develop into a critical inner voice (Jellinek, 2010). This inner voice is meant to keep you safe, but it can end up affecting personal feelings of self-worth. This effect is compounded by the fact that those with ADHD experience more functional failures than neurotypical folks, leaving them feeling less capable, and with a poorer self-concept (Newark et al., 2016). By the time adulthood comes around, negative self-talk may feel real because those with ADHD relate these thoughts to actual memories of underachievement or failures, making them feel all the more justified in their harsh critiques toward themselves. So, how can this way of thinking and relating to oneself shift into one that is more hopeful and kind, but still honest? Although the idea of shifting self-talk habits can feel overwhelming, there are small steps we can take to affect change.

The first step in change is awareness. We cannot change what we cannot see, so acknowledging negative self-talk as it occurs is a great place to start. Try noticing the negative self-talk phrases when they occur. If that feels like too much, try recalling one moment of negative self-talk at a specific time of day, like during your lunch break, or on your commute home from work. This can be an especially helpful way for folks with ADHD who struggle with executive functioning to recognize a defined first step with a clear and contained outcome. You might try this daily for one week, at the end of which you could see if you notice any patterns in your negative thinking. 

Another approach, and possible next step to the previous one, is to engage in self-talk reform. This is an opportunity to begin using new descriptive phrasing toward yourself that feels positive. Simply swapping an outright negative critique of yourself with a positive one can feel fake for some folks, so if that is true for you, try using a neutral phrase instead. Here are a couple examples:

Swap: “I always forget what I need at home!” for “I forgot some things today, but I moved on with my day.” 

Swap: “I can never pay attention during these long meetings” with “I realized I wasn’t paying attention and I did what I could to refocus.”

Next up, remember you are not just a thinking-talking head. Negative self-talk is likely occurring when you are stressed, upset or feeling other negative emotions. It is easy to feel caught up in these emotions instead of being present to what is in front of you, so remember to connect with your body and breath. Taking a moment for purposeful deep breathing can act as a reminder that your thinking mind is only one part of your experience and does not define you. If you are into deep breathing, great, but if not, consider engaging other senses. This might look like holding and smelling a hot cup of tea, going for a walk in cold weather, or sitting on a park bench with your eyes closed and focusing on the sounds close by. 

Remember that encouraging self-talk can help with persistence. Those with ADHD may experience more difficulty persisting with a task that feels boring or uncomfortable because their brains don’t have the same neuro-chemical availability that neurotypical brains do (Blum et al., 2008). Consider taking a break and offer yourself a purposeful and encouraging statement (yes, even out loud) can go a long way. This might sound like: “Do you need a five minute break? You’ve been working hard at this” or “It’s ok that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed; it’s a normal feeling when things feel like too much.”

Lastly, do you remember Sonya Renee Taylor’s book The Body is not an Apology? Well, guess what, neither is your mind. Folks with ADHD may socially compensate for their perceived failures. This might look like people pleasing or apologizing more often than necessary to your colleagues and peers. If you genuinely made a mistake that had a negative impact on others, of course, an apology can be appreciated or needed, but see if you can curb apologizing for things that didn’t actually bother anyone. Examples where apologies might not be necessary may be blurting out an idea or funny phrase when no harm was done by it or when your tired brain is not able to catch on to a new set of steps as quickly as you think it should. 

At the end of the day your efforts to take care of your mind and spirit can pay off. Be kind to yourself along the way and remember perfection is not needed to see improvement. Small daily steps to a more encouraging and balanced inner voice are possible and can make a difference. Over time, and with repitition, this shift can lead to a more peaceful inner life. 

References

Blum, K., Chen, A. L., Braverman, E. R., Comings, D. E., Chen, T. J., Arcuri, V., Blum, S. H., Downs, B. W., Waite, R. L., Notaro, A., 

Lubar, J., Williams, L., Prihoda, T. J., Palomo, T., & Oscar-Berman, M. (2008). Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 4(5), 893–918. https://doi.org/10.2147/ndt.s2627

Jellinek, M. (2010). Don’t Let ADHD Crush Children’s Self-Esteem. Clinical Psychiatry News. 

Mitchell, J. T., Benson, J. W., Knouse, L. E., Kimbrel, N. A., & Anastopoulous, A. D. (2013). Are negative automatic thoughts associated with ADHD in adulthood? Cognitive Therapy and Research, 37, 851-859. doi: 10.1007/s10608-013-9525-4
Newark. P. E., Elsässer, M., & Stieglitz, R.-D. (2016). Self-Esteem, Self-Efficacy, and Resources in Adults With ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 20(3), 279–290. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054712459561

Taylor, S. R. (2021). The body is not an apology (2nd ed.). Berrett-Koehler.