Dialoguing with the Inner Child

So many of us come to therapy with a mix of emotions from early in life that have followed us into adulthood. We may respond to our partners, friends or family members in ways that boggle us and them, wondering where these strong feelings and responses came from, but unsure how to reshape our behaviour for lasting change.

Much of what is uncovered in counselling work arises from old childhood wounds. Times in our early life when we were—or felt we were—unsafe, abandoned, abused, invisible, unworthy or bad. These feelings are often accompanied by a feeling of shame, that we have somehow innately failed, when in fact, we were experiencing a normal emotional response to a situation over which we had little to no control.

Often we come to our therapy sessions busy with thoughts about rational and linear adult living. But it is precisely this point of view that can prevent us from moving forward. Instead, it is important to connect to feelings or felt senses that may not “make sense” to our adult mind, but which guide us to, like a map to needs which may have gone unmet years ago.

So let’s rewind back to early childhood. As preschoolers, we create schemas, a set of core beliefs we formed to explain the world around us. You might think that as we grew older, we might replace antiquated or faulty belief systems with those that match the outcomes of our experiences, but not so. Often we unwittingly carry forward the beliefs we had as small children into our adult functioning, leaving us feeling at a loss with how to change unwanted behaviours (think things like distractions or addictive behaviours, withdrawal after receiving constructive criticism or a perceived rejection).

When we go to therapy, it can be helpful to access and engage with these old beliefs to negotiate their use and how much space they get to take up day to day. Your therapist can help you do this by priming the therapy session for connection to these beliefs. However, let your inner sense of safety be your guide. If it feels overwhelming to access earlier feelings and memories, honour that. Now may not be the time to bring up these feelings. If that is the case, you and your therapist can focus on other things to support you.

If it feels safe enough to move forward, the first thing you need is a good working relationship with a therapist. Finding a counsellor that you feel understands you and with whom you feel safe. Often getting to this place takes several sessions of building trust and connection—this is normal. Your therapist can support you priming the therapy session for connection to these beliefs. Once that connection is there, you might build in some time right before and after your counselling session, if possible. These pockets of time allow a gentle easing in and out of access to these inner parts of ourselves.

Before the session you might find a place to mindfully connect with your body by meditating on a park bench or walking by water or on a quiet street. Young children are present to the here and now, as were you as a young child. It is important to re-engage with that part of ourselves to access the beliefs that were shaped from that time.

During your counselling session, your therapist can guide you toward these long-held beliefs by exploring automatic thoughts, sensations in your body and the meaning you apply to certain events in your life. Once accessed in a environment that feels safe (i.e. hopefully your therapy session), the belief may be open to be reshaped to one that is more adaptive.

After the session, you might find it helpful to draw, write or move your body, allowing any thoughts and feelings that didn’t have a chance to be expressed during session to continue to be seen and felt.

Over several sessions, your capacity to access these old beliefs as well as felt-senses from childhood strengthens. As this occurs, you may find yourself with a pause between previous triggers and your response, a slowing down which allows for different choices to be made.

Ultimately, the practice of accessing these earlier beliefs and states of feeling is a process and unlikely to shift after a couple sessions. This work is on-going and one you might eventually access on your own, without the support of a therapist. Even after schemas have been reshaped, on-going connection to the wants, needs and feelings of the inner child can allow deepened sense of safety, belonging and contentment.