Unmasking (for People-Pleasers with ADHD).
Maybe you’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD or you’ve lived with the knowledge that your brain is neuro-spicy for a while. Either way, most of my neuro-divergent clients tell me they’ve become masters at hiding many of their ADHD-related behaviours, and have had years of practice doing so. From blurting input into another’s conversation to sitting on their hands to keep themselves still during a meeting, most ADHD-ers have devised a number of ways to mask or dampen their symptoms. Sadly and often, this comes with a cost: whole parts of themselves are masked along with the behaviours they are trying to hide.
What is masking?
Masking refers to preventing a part of you from being seen by others through suppressing certain behaviours, opinions and emotions (Attention-Deficit Disorder Association, 2015). Everyone does this to an extent, but for neurodivergent folks, masking often specifically involves behaving in a way that follows social conventions that are accepted by the broader, and largely neurotypical, society.
The pitfalls of masking for the person doing it are many. It takes a lot of effort to act differently than following your own natural instincts. It takes a toll on the energy available for, well, everything else (your career, pet care, self-care, friendships, chores, you name it). And after long periods of masking, it’s no doubt episodes of depression pop up. It can be tough to feel hopeful when you’ve been taught that the price of acceptance is the true version of you. It can become hard to recognize which behaviours are truly your own, and by extension, have a sense of who you really are.
Unmasking.
After an accumulation of years of behaving in a way that does not align with the genuine version of you, it’s no wonder some people burn out. One day they may decide the mask has simply got to go. They are no longer willing to trade a facade for the true them or for the energy they have to do the things they love. It can be empowering to make the decision to unveil the real you, but it can also feel terrifying. Some of my clients wonder if they will lose relationships, or if people who’ve been in their lives for a long time will perceive their now visible behaviours as attention-seeking or evidence of something else entirely. At its core is often a fear of being deeply misunderstood and alone; that our real self will be revealed only to be rejected, a fear we can all relate to, no matter how our brains operate.
But, however big the fear of change and rejection, I have seen clients take brave steps toward revealing their unmasked selves in our counselling work together. Some of my clients have shared surprising experiences:
A number of those close to them don’t notice their unmasking,
Unmasking has resulted in meaningful connections with others who reveal that they too are neurodivergent,
A newfound and more layered sense of themselves, including more self-compassion,
that the process of unmasking wasn’t black and white; while they unmasked in many areas of their lives, they chose to leave masks on in a couple others. The difference this time was that the choice was based on what they wanted or needed, instead of what worked best for others.
that counselling can provide a safe “practice” space to try out being unmasked. In therapy, we can experience a secure emotional attachment while showing our true selves (this can be a powerful way to help our brains strengthen feelings of belonging through experience).
This is not to say that the process of unmasking neurodivergent qualities doesn’t come with uncomfortable or challenging experiences, including the possibility of being marginalized at work or in social groups. The fact that we are in a society that encourages all of us to show certain aspects of ourselves and not others makes unmasking a task for when other areas of life are otherwise feeling fairly stable. The idea here is to engage in a new and difficult task while knowing that other areas of life are predictable.
We have all had years of practice showing a version of ourselves to the world that we feel is acceptable. At a certain point, we may choose to shed our masks and feel the freedom and challenges that accompany this change. No matter where you find yourself on the path of expressing the full breadth of you, may you be kind and curious with yourself, and, that there are spaces out there where you can safely show the true you.
References:
Attention-Deficit Disorder Association (2015). ADHD Masking: Does Hiding your Symptoms Help or Harm?
https://add.org/adhdmasking/#:~:text=Masking%20is%20when%20a%20person,who%20don't%20have%20ADHD.
