Feeling into the OK-ness of Living with ADHD
A wave of adults are receiving late ADHD diagnoses as the clinical community gains a greater understanding of more variable ADHD presentations (Abdelnour et al., 2022). Many women who were written off in childhood as being lazy, spacey or forgetful are now feeling validated in their current and earlier struggles (Chronis-Tuscano, 2022).
If you are someone who got an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood, perhaps you now have some satisfying answers as to why you struggled for so long in the way you did. You may even tell friends and family about this news, saying “Guess what? There is a reason why I have been late, disorganized and have forgotten to text you back for the 100th time.” But it is hard to explain the feeling of executive dysfunction and other ADHD-related deficits to someone without these issues. It’s kind of like explaining to a fish what it is like to breathe air. ADHD symptoms are always there, affecting almost everything in some way. If you have ADHD, you may have attempted to explain to loved ones what it is like to try to get a simple task done and to be simply unable to. Perhaps you have described the experience only to be met in return with blank stares. While it is completely normal for neurotypical adults to occasionally struggle with daily tasks, they don’t tend to experience major breakdowns or failures in these areas on a regular basis.
Adults with ADHD often struggle with a number of areas within a sphere affectionally termed “adulting.” I am referring to tasks like banking, getting to work, meetings or social events on time, and appropriately prepared, managing home tasks like laundry, cooking and cleaning to a point of completion, and maintaining communication consistently in relationships (Pawaskar et al., 2020). Not all ADHD functional challenges in adulthood are related to executive dysfunction though. Those with hyperactive symptoms may struggle to engage in conversations with new friends, coworkers and bosses in socially expected or ‘acceptable’ ways. They may struggle to keep ideas in their heads until they are fully formed, to keep from interrupting friends, family and colleagues, or from making snap decisions about purchases or social plans. What’s more, emotional responses in those with ADHD tend to feel much more intense, so ADHD-er’s may need a cool down period and potentially an opportunity to make amends for an outburst (Brown & Brown, 2014).
Suffice to say, for folks living with ADHD, there are a number of areas of our lives affected by its symptoms, and managing each is no small feat. But there are ways to soften or lessen the effects of these deficits through organizational supports, creating new patterns of behaviour, medication. Despite this, there often remains a feeling of incapableness among those with ADHD, a feeling that tends to follow them around and colour their experiences and self-esteem (Nystrom et al., 2020).
It is that lingering feeling of failure or “not-good-enough-ness” that can become problematic, especially in the face of repeated functional failures and higher rates of anxiety and depression (Goodman et al., 2016). But here is the good news: studies from women diagnosed with ADHD later in life (I’m talking 60s and up) have something to say about it. Women were interviewed after a lifetime of ADHD symptoms and found peace and acceptance with their unique ways of coping (Henry & Jones, 2011). And as they did, they realized they were ok. Realizing a state of ok-ness is not magic and cannot be hurried. It is an arrival that may take years or come in pieces over time. What I think these women offer is hope for younger ADHD-er’s out there, trying to make sense of their own needs amid a neurotypical-centred world. Today there is a vastly different clinical landscape from when these women were figuring out career and family life. We are now in a place where we can approach living with ADHD as something to be explored and embraced instead of something to be hidden away. This does not change that there are difficulties associated with everyday functioning with ADHD symptoms, but as we explore our experience of ADHD, we can look for our own areas of ok-ness. These might be areas of our lives where things have worked out alright, amid or in-spite of ADHD symptoms and behaviours. So find that ok-ness on your own, or maybe with a friend who understands your struggles and witnesses your small gems of success as they arrive. Find it in a group, or with your pet or out in the forest. Remembering the parts of life that went ok along with or in spite of your ADHD experience. See the trouble of the hard times contrasted against the lightness of what went ok.
References
Abdelnour, E., Jansen, M. O., & Gold, J. A. (2022). ADHD Diagnostic Trends: Increased Recognition or Overdiagnosis?. Missouri medicine, 119(5), 467–473.
Brown, T. E., & Brown, Thomas E., Ph. D. (2014). Smart but stuck: Emotions in teens and adults with ADHD (1st ed.). Jossey-Bass.
Chronis‐Tuscano, A. (2022). ADHD in girls and women: A call to action – reflections on hinshaw et al. (2021). Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 63(4), 497-499. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.13574
Goodman, D. W., Mitchell, S., Rhodewalt, L., & Surman, C. B. H. (2016). Clinical Presentation, Diagnosis and Treatment of Attention- Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in Older Adults: A Review of the Evidence and its Implications for Clinical Care. Drugs & Aging, 33(1), 27-36. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40266-015-0327-0
Henry E, Jones SH (2011). Experiences of older adult women diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. J Women Aging. 23:246–262. doi: 10.1080/08952841.2011.589285
Nyström, A., Petersson, K., & Janlöv, A. (2020). Being different but striving to seem normal: The lived experiences of people aged 50+ with ADHD. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 41(6), 476-485. https://doi.org/10.1080/01612840.2019.1695029
Pawaskar, M., Fridman, M., Grebla, R., & Madhoo, M. (2020). Comparison of quality of life, productivity, functioning and self-esteem in adults diagnosed with ADHD and with symptomatic ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 24(1), 136-144. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054719841129
